Welcome to Hoosier Pastrymaker! We're delighted to provide for all your cake, cupcake and cookie needs, with some minor exceptions.Under the protection of the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, and in keeping with our deeply held beliefs as they're expressed through our own interpretation of our scriptures, we're very sorry but we cannot in good conscience provide services in any of the following circumstances:
- A same-sex wedding.
- A weird-sex wedding. Our chocolate éclairs are to die for, but otherwise let's keep it vanilla, people.
- A bisexual wedding. Pick a lane.
- A wedding that leads to a so-called "open marriage," because those arrangements are just recipes for resentments and recriminations and disappointments and they never ever work out. I'm, uh, told.
- A wedding where either the bride or the groom is getting remarried. And if this marriage eventually ends in divorce you contractually agree to return to us a cake of comparable value and moist deliciousness.
- A wedding where anyone's wearing a mingling of linen and wool. Read your Leviticus. Also if anyone's wearing mismatched shoes and belt. Read your GQ.
- Any ceremony of any kind involving sodomites, Philistines, Sadducees, or Kardashians.
- Any event where you're playing the Village People or Clay Aiken or Lady Gaga or Boy George or Sam Smith because God tells us they are abominations. Also if you're playing Maroon 5 or Smash Mouth because that's a whole other kind of abomination.
- A wedding where one or both of you invite your exes because you've got such good friendships with them, because that's just never a good idea and no you really don't.
- A wedding where the bride and groom cut the cake and then kind of smear the cake on each other's faces or shove it in one another's mouth in an allegedly funny ritual of sublimated hostility because, honestly, we worked hard on making that cake. And because you're grown-ups with motor skills. Supposedly. Jeeminy.
- A wedding where anyone at any time busts out the Thriller dance or the Dirty Dancing dance or the robot or the Soulja Boy or any other choreographed routine that you just launch right into and the rest of us are supposed to act surprised because that's just tired and frankly we'd rather not have that played-out stuff associated with our buttercream.
- A wedding that's in the tradition of one of the non-Christian miscellaneous type of religions because let's face it those aren't real so why are we pretending?
Thanks again for patronizing Hoosier Pastrymaker. It's our pleasure to serve a subset of you. And to judge the rest of you. Open late Mondays.