Aggrievopedia Brown is On Your Case

In a New York Times profile, the blogger and activist Charles Johnson -- often accused of being an internet troll -- spoke of having strong ties to law enforcement. "Have you ever read the book or heard of the book Encyclopedia Brown?  That's the capacity in which I help them."

 Socks Sodpucker marched into the garage and slapped twenty-five cents on the gasoline can next to Aggrievopedia Brown.  "I want to hire you," he said.  "Someone stole my lucky nickel, and I think it was Bugs Meany!"Brown thought for a second.  It was the kind of high-stakes case that could get him lots of attention, which he liked.  On the other hand, he was in the middle of writing stuff about the mayor's sexuality — this innuendo wasn't going to tweet itself.  Still, Socks was a good guy.browndetectiveagency"I'll take your case," Brown said.  "Let's go.""Okay," Socks said.  "I accused Bugs of taking my lucky nickel, but he has an alibi.  He said it couldn't have been him, because he was in the library at the time doing a school project on bears.  He said he was in the 'K' section looking up koalas.""That's a good lead," Brown said, "but I've got a better idea." The two boys marched up to the clubhouse belonging to a local gang of tough, strident, demanding, not-that-pretty girls who were always causing trouble.  They called themselves the Tigresses, but they might as well have called themselves the Annoyances, because they were annoying.Sally Kimball, the leader of the gang, was lounging on the porch painting protest signs.  All Sally wanted was a chance to get even with Aggrievopedia Brown someday, because he was always outsmarting her and had way more followers than she did.  "Well, look who's here," Sally said.  "What are you going to accuse me of today?""Let's figure that out together, Sally," Brown said, smirking."What are we doing here?" Socks whispered.  "We should be looking for Bugs.  He said he couldn't have snatched my nickel because he got arthritis from cracking his knuckles too much. If we hurry we might catch him—""So, Sally," Brown said.  "Where were you when my friend Socks lost his lucky nickel?""I was lying in the middle of Main Street protesting police brutality," Sally said."Sounds like something you'd do," Brown said.  "But I have reason to believe otherwise. You see, I've paid to have someone take pictures of your dad falling asleep in church.""That doesn't have anything to do with my alibi," Sally said."No, but they sure are embarrassing pictures," Brown said.  "There's drool and stuff."Socks tugged at Brown's sleeve.  "Hey, Bugs said he had a doctor's appointment this afternoon to get rid of some warts he got from a toad.  Maybe if we go there now—"Sally jumped to her feet, anger flashing in her eyes.  "You think you're so smart, Aggrievopedia Brown!  But you won't stop me this time!  I'm organizing a protest against rape culture tonight and we're going to clean up this town!""You sure anybody's going to show up," Brown said, "after I published those pictures of you picking your nose?"Sally glared at him.  "That wasn't even me!  That was some other girl entirely!"Brown shrugged.  "People think it's you now."Socks stomped his foot.  "Why are we wasting time here?  Bugs Meany is getting away with his crime!"Aggrievopedia Brown smiled at Socks.  "The crime is solved," he said.  "I know who took your nickel."




Aggrievopedia Brown knew that Sally took Socks's lucky nickel because Sally is a girl and girls always want to deprive white men of their power and their property.  Sally lives at 6160 West Elm Street, Idaville, FL 32301 and her phone number is (850) 555-1726.  The mayor is totally gay.