The Antivaxxiest Place on Earth

ANAHEIM, CA -- Through no fault of its own, Disneyland has come in recent weeks to be associated with measles outbreaks stemming from the anti-vaccination movement.  The theme park has announced its intention to embrace its new branding and roll out an assortment of new attractions, including the following.

Mr. Toad's Dry Cough
It's a Small Rash After All
Buzz Lightyear Outbreak Clusters
Diarrhea Splash Mountain
Seven Dwarfs Mumps Train
Contagious Mansion
Goofy's General Malaise
Pirates of the Incubation
Snow White's Scary Thimerosal
Peter Pan's Flight from Reality
The Many Swellings of Winnie the Pooh
Jenny McCarthy's Carousel of Regress

And of course don't skip the new favorite: Dumbo’s Herd Immunity!  Will the Dumbo car you're sitting in be one that's tightly bolted to the armature, or one that could break loose and go tumbling into a crowd of onlookers? Hold tight, have fun, and enjoy the breathless thrill of free choice! 

And the Privilege Goes To...

LOS ANGELES - The Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences announced today that, beginning next year, they would hereby re-brand the Academy Awards as the White Guy Oscars.

"We're proud of what we've accomplished in recent years," said spokesman Rick Joshua.  "But from this point forward we're going to play to our strengths.  And our strengths are pretty much male and, y'know, white."

Reached by one of those old-timey wooden wall-mounted telephones on the set of his next picture, director Wes Anderson said "I can only think this is going be a good thing for me."

Responding to criticisms that the change would unacceptably limit the scope of the films recognized by the Academy, Joshua said nothing could be further from the truth.  "The Oscars will continue to celebrate the whole glorious rainbow of human experience," he said, "from pink to peach to light tan."

Indeed, Joshua said, the tighter focus will free the awards to acknowledge accomplishments in a variety of kinds of movies.  "We might now have room for specialized categories to recognize male actors playing difficult-but-brilliant figures in true stories and biopics," he explained, "as opposed to the ones playing difficult-but-brilliant dudes in stories that are totally made up."

Joshua also dismissed charges that the movies eligible for the new awards would present a skewed or limited vision of reality.  "We'll still be able to reward all kinds of stories about human endeavors throughout history," he said.  "We could still recognize great performances like Gene Hackman's as the white guy who helps with civil rights in Mississippi Burning, for instance, or Anthony Hopkins as the white guy who helps with slavery in Amistad.  Yay, diversity!"

The Academy does acknowledge that some kinds of roles might tend to fall through the cracks.  "We might not be seeing a lot of terrorists, probably," said Joshua. "Gardeners.  Martial arts experts.  Or benevolent magical advisors conveying the wisdom of the ages.  But nobody can do everything.  There's plenty of room for other kinds of work to get covered by a, I don't know, like a, a, a — brown Oscars?  Any chance we can not print that last thing I said?"

And Joshua was quick to contradict the impression that there would be no place for women in the new system.  "We'll still have a Best Supporting Actress category," he said.  "To celebrate performers who've done exceptional work as wives and girlfriends and fiancées and well-groomed prostitutes and other supporty kinds of roles."

Asked whether there would be room in the new Oscars to acknowledge the work of women directors, Joshua looked momentarily confused and said, "I'm not 100% sure that women direct movies.  Could someone check on that for me...?  I'm just not 100% sure that's a thing."

Joshua also confirmed that among the new rules would be a perpetual annual nomination for Bradley Cooper, whether he makes a movie or not.  "I mean, why not just do away with the stress and ambiguity of wondering every year?  That guy is awesome."

Surrender TiVo

NBC, CBS, and SyFy have all announced new Wizard of Oz-themed TV projects, including a medical drama and an apocalyptic adventure. It won't stop there.  Behold, a preview of the new series to be announced at the TV upfronts in 2015.

There's No Place Like Homeland
Agent Dorothy Gale conceals her delusions about witches and tornadoes from the CIA so she can pursue her hunch that there's something fishy about that straight-arrow Nebraskan who just arrived home to a hero's welcome in a hot-air balloon.  Committed to exposing him as a terrorist, she sleeps with him for some reason.

Two One Half Men
Hilarity ensues when a rakish, self-destructive munchkin moves in with his buttoned-up brother and together they navigate dating, the drudgery of working for the Lollipop Guild, and the challenges of finding bowling shirts in the right size.

Gale's Anatomy
The relentlessly introspective large animal veterinarian Dorothy uses nonstop internal monologues to explore her conflicted attractions to her coworkers, who she's adorably nicknamed McShiny and McFloppy.

Wicked Witch of the West Wing
A literate and talky drama of crone politics, with conflicts big (assessing whether an enemy's water reservoir construction is a civil project or a weapon of mass destruction) and small (what to do with one's broom during long corridor walk-and-talks).

Tin is the New Black
A blinkered hipster learns about life in a minimum-security prison, but the voyage of self-discovery screeches to a halt when the prison commissary stops stocking oil and he spends the balance of his two-year sentence motionless.

Mad Monkeys
Retro style meets office politics as white-collar simians compete with each other for accounts, promotions, and the cutest bonobos in the secretarial pool. But the smoothest silverback of them all conceals a crippling secret: he started life as a poor and wingless lemur.

House
House is a brilliant and crotchety doctor and diagnostician who walks with a limp because he fell on a witch and crushed her to death that one time.

Ding Dong the Walking Dead
MUNCHKIN CORONER: "She's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead. Also, she’s ambulatory and wanting to eat you. You might want to run." The others squint grimly at one another.
RICK: "Can this wait, doc? The group’s kind of in the middle of a pretty big spat right now. "

Walking With the Stars
A panel of judges grades the efforts of celebrity scarecrows to cross the stage without falling down.  JUDGE BRUNO TONIOLI: "I have got hay fever!  You're like an orgasmic explosion of straw!  You may not scare any crows but you'll scare the competition if you keep walking like that, you bristly bundle of hotness!"

Yo Glinda Glinda
Magic, that voice, that hat, the freaky bubble, those weirdo friends — it's either a kids' show on Nickelodeon or something you recover from with Dr. Drew on VH1 (still in development).

Dr. Oz
The doctor behind the curtain prescribes green coffee beans to cure brainlessness, probiotics for heartlessness, red palm oil to restore courage, and socks filled with warm rice for a farm girl who just wants to go home. When these remedies seem to fail, Oz calls them miracle breakthroughs, releases a bunch of green fog, and cuts to commercial.

Sex and the Emerald City
Four friends — the promiscuous Scarecrow, the cynical Tin Man, the uptight Lion, and Dorothy the shoe enthusiast — explore life and love in the green metropolis while rigorously avoiding its squarer, less viridescent boroughs.

Melting Bad
The wicked witch becomes an unlikely kingpin, building a thriving underground poppy empire to pay her dermatologist bills. Probably won't end well for her. "I am the one who knocks," she thunders, "because the bell is out of order!"

Hunk Dynasty
While his sweetheart Dorothy is in a vague tornado-inflicted coma, red-state farm hand Hunk Andrews mines reality show hilarity from the building of a merchandising empire, focused primarily on sepia-toned vests and hats.  Quirky and heavily edited culture clashes abound: "Yeah, I told you, I am a friend of Dorothy —why you keep lookin' at me like that?"

Beat the Press

ChuckTodd

technical-difficulties

CHUCK TODD: Welcome to Meet the Press, Mr. Vice-President.
DICK CHENEY: I don't have to exchange pleasantries or engage in any of the conventions of polite society.
CHUCK TODD: Fair enough!  So, about the Senate Intelligence report concerning the CIA's use of torture --
CHENEY: Not torture.
CHUCK TODD: Sorry?
CHENEY: Not torture.  I'm not going to sit here and pretend it's torture just because that's what you call it.  Would you expect me to play along if you started calling this table a potholder, or that thing you're wearing a suit?
CHUCK TODD: Well... the fact remains that this report about enhanced interrogation techniques --
CHENEY: Not that either.
CHUCK TODD: What would you prefer we call them, Mr. Vice-President?
CHENEY: I like to call them "Escalated Conversational Gambits."  They're like heightened icebreakers, really.  Just a way to get everyone talking.  You know how it is when you've got people in a room, nobody knows each other, it's awkward.
CHUCK TODD: Especially if one of those people is strung up by his wrists, that can get really awkward.
CHENEY: Yeah, I'll string you up by your wrists, Beanbag.
CHUCK TODD:  I don't even know what that means but when you say even normal words they sound so abusive.
CHENEY: It's a gift.
CHUCK TODD: Still, surely you'd agree that some of these techniques are more intense than your standard party games.
CHENEY: Maybe.  If you're a pussy.
CHUCK TODD:  I mean, waterboarding.  Keeping a prisoner inside a coffin-sized box.
CHENEY: Look, Hashtag.  When I was vice-president I spent several hours a day inside a man-sized safe.  Didn't affect me at all.  WHAT IS THAT, IS THAT A BAT? Belay that. False alarm.
CHUCK TODD: But some of these other things... rectal feeding...CHENEY: I believe that was done for medical reasons.
CHUCK TODD: What medical reasons?
CHENEY: What am I, a doctor? I assume it was performed only with a prescription...
CHUCK TODD: A prescription?  From a physician?
CHENEY: Sure. Or, y'know, a torturer.  Someone with credentials.
CHUCK TODD: But you wouldn't characterize any of these techniques as extreme?
CHENEY: I don't know. Would you characterize that thing on your head as a haircut?
CHUCK TODD: What's... wrong with my...?
CHENEY: Listen, Safeword. You weren't there, I wasn't there. Were these things specifically "torture?"  Who's to say? Torture's in the eye of the beholder.
CHUCK TODD: I think that's beauty.
CHENEY: Tomayto, tomahto.  It's a slippery slope, Cakepop. Start down this road and soon any whiner can come along and say he got tortured.  I mean, look at yourself: is it torture that you have to go around wearing that sad little goatee?  Is that torture?  Is The Hague going to indict your Gillette Fusion ProGlide Styler?
CHUCK TODD: That was a long way around for that burn, Mr. Vice-President.
CHENEY: You’re welcome.
CHUCK TODD: No second thoughts, then?
CHENEY: I'd do it all again in a minute.
CHUCK TODD: Even when you consider the innocent people who were wrongly subjected to this treatment?
CHENEY: I like to think they understand.
CHUCK TODD: They almost certainly do not understand.
CHENEY: But I like to think they do.  Look, Fruitsnack, this stuff wasn't torture. Torture is what the Al Qaeda terrorists did to 3000 Americans on 9/11.
CHUCK TODD: Well, I mean -- no, it literally isn't, that was, y'know, murder. Like, mass murder.
CHENEY: Agree to disagree.
CHUCK TODD: Mm, but no, because, I mean, words mean stuff, and torture and murder mean different things, so...
CHENEY: I've got my dictionary, you've got your wrong dictionary, can't we all just get along?
CHUCK TODD: Not if we, I mean, want to communicate with each other...
CHENEY: Look, I'm not running for anything.  I'm not a slave to opinion polls. I don't have to subscribe to "generally accepted" "definitions" of "words." The techniques on this list aren't torture because the Justice Department said they're not, and I also say they're not.  You know what they are? They're onions.
CHUCK TODD: ...Onions?  Who says?
CHENEY: I say.  They're locally sourced heirloom onions, mmm, delicious.  Not so scary now, are they?  Or how about this, you'll like this, Nougat: they're hugs.  The things on this list?  All just hugs.  Doesn't sound so terrible, does it?
CHUCK TODD: But they're not actually hugs—
CHENEY: Sure they are. I've said so. Three of four recent attorney generals agree with me.  These techniques are just different kinds of hugs.
CHUCK TODD: Mr. Vice-President, I've experienced hugs—
CHENEY: Have you really?  I mean, with that goatee?  It's just hard to picture.
CHUCK TODD:  Actual hugs, I'm saying, are nothing like this.
CHENEY: Then you've never had a Dick Cheney hug.  What do you say, Chuck? You want a Dick Cheney hug?
CHUCK TODD: I do not.
CHENEY: C'mere, Chew-Toy.  Let me give you a "hug."
CHUCK TODD: No, that's okay.
CHENEY: Alright, I'm goin' in.
CHUCK TODD: Oh God no please SECURITY—!

This is My Brain On Books #1: Where the Wild Things Are

Recently on Facebook, Nicole — a friend who's tremendously talented and apparently very persuasive — tagged/urged/bullied me into sharing a list of books that influenced me in some way.  The easy thing in such circumstances is just to reel off a list of books you enjoyed, a list that's likely to be heavy on uncontroversial early-in-life titles (The Phantom Tollbooth) or uncontroversial collegiate reading (The Secret History) or uncontroversial recent classics (Oscar Wao).  The even easier thing to do, since social media is first a foremost a delivery system for performative wishful versions of oneself, is to list the books that you'd like to be the kind of person who loved (Ulysses, Woolf, Pynchon).

But if books have in fact been a constant and consequential presence in your life, a list of the ones that have genuinely influenced you, have actually moved the needle a little bit, is likelier to include some titles you aren't necessarily proud of.  Books that aren't even that good.  Books that have affected you in ways that have nothing to do with quality and everything to do with your receptivity to certain kinds of stimuli at the precise moment that those books landed in your life.With that in mind — and of course still being susceptible to the vain calculations that shape the construction of one's public self-presentation through the making of lists — my list emerged.  This is the first in a series of chronological entries discussing those books — some good, some awful.

1. Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak.  This is a place where, if I were being more calculating, I'd prefer to list In the Night Kitchen, which is the Sendak book I prefer today, with its edge of dreamlike menace and its defiance of narrative logic and its roiling latent sexuality and its loving appropriation of elements from classic film comedy and from Winsor McCay, and the way the boy's relentlessly recurring little penis is an unmistakeable fuck-you to the moralists and gatekeepers that Sendak hated so much.  I'd like to be someone who was irrevocably shaped by In the Night Kitchen.  I'd be vastly more interesting now if I were.  But I don't know that we even had that book when I was a kid, or any other Sendak in the house.  But we had Where the Wild Things Are, the safer and more popular choice[1], the Bob Marley's Legend of Sendak books, and I did, justifiably, love it.[2]

It's brilliant, of course, a marvel of narrative economy and admirably resistant to sentimentality — the wild things are legitimately fucked-up individuals, their love is a brutal thing and they really will eat Max the fuck up — and you can tell I loved it because we still have my frayed, discolored, loose-spined childhood copy, and on one of the two-page wild rumpus spreads you can see where I covered the pages with a frantic, frenzied precipitation of brown magic-marker blots, as though the Dionysian energy of that sequence was so kinetic and compelling  that I just couldn't help myself, I just had to get involved in it somehow, had to interact with it, converse, participate in its savage revelry, even if my contribution was monochromatic and unartful.  It certainly reflects the loss of control, the anarchic surrender, suggested by the storyline (if not by the artwork — as ingenious and compelling as the beasts were, they were always a little too weighty and stolid to look like they were truly cutting loose).  In my recollection, no other book in my collection ever drove me to those heights of transgression[3], ever spurred me to commit shit-colored vandalism of my own property.  And even at the time I had to have registered how completely my efforts were falling short, how even the most torrential rain of marker blotches added little to the impeccable draftsmanship of Sendak's uncanny dream visions and dangerous storytelling.  So on some level my entire creative life since then may just be an effort to equal Sendak's accomplishment, to be worthy of that collaboration.  Haven't gotten there yet.

[1]

And how telling a detail about Sendak is it that a book as subversive and uncompromising as Where the Wild Things Are is his safe, mainstream option.

[2]

It's not like Legend doesn't have good songs on it.

[3]

Because in our house, as in so many houses, the defacing of books was considered a particularly grotesque crime.  To destroy something was prohibited; to destroy a book was a gross moral failing.  I don't think I ever showed my parents this particular piece of work from my early brown period.