You Got Servered

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The State Department's review of emails from Hillary Clinton's personal server continues to turn up items of crucial importance. A sampling:

hillary_blackberry

hillary_blackberry

From: HRCFleetwoodFan1947@hotmail.com
To: bboy@aol.com
Subject: RE: funny
bill,the one about the dead golfer is minimally funny. was somewhat funnier the last time you forwarded it to everyone in your address book, & exponentially funnier the time before that. also please ask Chels to show you how to bcc.--h 

From: HRCFleetwoodFan1947@hotmail.com
To: pralislassis@myway.com
Subject: RE: Central Bank
Dear Prince Islassis,Thank you for contacting me for help in moving funds out of your country for the Nigerian National Petroleum Company. I am obviously very interested. May I suggest you direct your inquiry to my colleague in the State Department, Dr. Kate Idontbelieveyou in the Whataloadofcrap division.You just got Hillaried, sucka. Boom.Best,HRC  

From: HRCFleetwoodFan1947@hotmail.com
To: chelsea1980@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Also
Hi, sweetie. Still having trouble with Skype. I did everything you said and still all I get is my own face. And BELIEVE ME I see enough of that every day! lolol! HA! Also our HBOGo password is RtWingConspiracy1234, you can use it anytime, your dad got ALL the Game of Thrones on DVD at Half Price Books anyway for some reason.
P.S. could you help your dad again with the bcc thing, thanks
Love, Mom 

From: HRCFleetwoodFan1947@hotmail.com
To: custserv@serverworld.com
Subject: warranty
To whom it may concern,I have a question about the warranty covering our recently purchased high-performance dedicated server. I understand that we're protected in case of overheating, parts failure, and software issues. But I was unclear about whether we were covered in the case of other everyday occurrences, such as flooding, power failure, hostile missile strikes or hacking by North Korea.Thanks in advance for your assistance. 

From: HRCFleetwoodFan1947@hotmail.com
To: habedin1@yahoo.com
Subject: UGGGGHHH
pls. do me a HUGE favor and let a. merkel know I'm soooo sorry, i'd get back to her emails sooner if they didn't all go straight to my spam filter. might help if she didn't use all those cutesy images & quirky animations in her signature file, don't tell her i said that, just sayin'.--hrc 

From: HRCFleetwoodFan1947@hotmail.com
To: bboy@aol.com
Subject: RE: funny
bill,"that's what she said" is not automatically funny in response to just anything, it has to make some minimal kind of connective sense in order for the comedy to be optimally successful.please get it together, thx.--h 

From: HRCFleetwoodFan1947@hotmail.com
To: askamy@tribune.com
Subject: advice
Dear Ask Amy,Do you have any advice for what a person should do if other people are constantly assuming that she's secretive, arrogant, controlling and accountable? I've been giving the problem some thought and the only strategies I can think of are:
1. Withdraw, clam up, and punish these people for their audacity by keeping everything they want to know out of their reach, e.g., as on a dedicated high-performance server upstate, or
2. That's the only strategy I can think of.
Which I guess means I answered my own question and I don't need you to do anything at all. You're welcome.--Working Gal 

From: HRCFleetwoodFan1947@hotmail.com
To: chelsea1980@gmail.com
Subject: RE: RE: Also
Always appreciate your helpful advice, sweetie, but all due respect, "lolol" and "HA" are not redundant; that's just the level of amusement I was conveying. I have a lot of joy and giddiness burbling up in me and they have to come out sometimes, lololololol HA lol
Love, Mom  

From: HRCFleetwoodFan1947@hotmail.com
To: jsteinberg@state.gov and 17,000 others
Subject: RE: RE: RE: meetings
Hello all.The next person who hits "Reply All" to this string is getting sent to Bosnia. (It's dangerous there; I could tell you some stories.):)
No, but really.
--HRC 

From: HRCFleetwoodFan1947@hotmail.com
To: bboy@aol.com
Subject: RE: priorities
bill,not judging or cramping yr style, just saying that if it's taking up half of a dedicated high-performance server then yr probably downloading too many videos. you know you can just watch charlie bit my finger on youtube as many times as you want, right? ask chelsea about this & also the bcc thing.--h 

From: HRCFleetwoodFan1947@hotmail.com
To: habedin1@yahoo.com
Subject: schedule
pls move the press availability about openness and transparency to eleven so we'll have time in the afternoon for the secret papers bonfire, thx.--hrc 

From: HRCFleetwoodFan1947@hotmail.com
To: bboy@aol.com
Subject: honestly
bill,no offense but I really think maybe you should think about getting a real job. no one shld know as much about you do as who's still on the view and who's not on the view anymore and why.sorry not sorry,h

This is what it sounds like when doves condescend.

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If you were faced with two doors to a shopping center, one labeled “Beautiful” and the other “Average,” which would you walk through?

In its latest inspiration-via-advertising campaign, Dove set up labeled entrances in Shanghai, San Francisco, London, Sao Paulo and Delhi, and filmed the results.

--Time magazine

Two doors labeled BEAUTIFUL and JUST KIND OF OKAY.  WOMEN approach, hesitate, proceed.

MAN: Excuse me! Why did you choose the door marked "Just Kind of Okay?"
WOMAN 1:  It's closer.
MAN:  But don't you see how beautiful you are?
WOMAN 1: If I don't get this dropped off and make this call and pick up my kids in the next twenty minutes I'm screwed, so --
MAN: But beauty is a spectrum...
WOMAN 1: Dude seriously if you don't move I will end you.
MAN: Go ahead.  --But you're beautiful.  --Never mind, didn't say anything.  --But you are.

* * *

WOMAN 2: I choose neither.
MAN: You have to choose one.
WOMAN 2: Why?
MAN: -- Dove says so.
WOMAN 2: Dove--?  Is this like, what, a soap commercial?
MAN: It's -- no, it's a consciousness-raising kind of --
WOMAN 2: That's like a big corporation or something, right? Who makes that, Procter and Gamble?
MAN: Noooooo!... Unilever.
WOMAN 2: This is bullshit, I'm going in one of those doors over there.
MAN: --They're out of order.
WOMAN 2: That person just went through one.
MAN: Well. She -- is not beautiful.  On the inside. That is her cross to bear.

* * *

 WOMAN 3: Those are the only choices?
MAN: They are!
WOMAN 3: What about other stuff, like "smart" or "powerful" or "resourceful" or "funny?"
MAN: That would be, uh, too many doors.  We're operating on more of a binary--
WOMAN 3: I'm going to a different building.
MAN:  But you're -- you're so beautiful!!  Why can't you see that like you're supposed to??

* * *

WOMAN 4:  Do you have a door labeled "Unwitting Pawn in a Calculated Marketing Scheme?"
MAN: That... would not fit on the sign.

* * *

The Man has a table set up with two choices: a beautiful doll or a pile of shit.

MAN: Excuse me!  Take a look at these choices... which one would you say most resembles you?
WOMAN 5: Neither.
MAN: But if you had to pick.
WOMAN 5: I don't.
MAN: But if you had to.
WOMAN 5: I guess -- the doll.
MAN: And... congratulations.  You... have acceptable self esteem.  I mean: you passed the test.
WOMAN 5: Who are you people?
MAN: We're people who care about how beautiful you should think you are.  ...And, and what soap you use.

* * *

The doll and the shit are hidden under boxes.

MAN: Just pick one.  No peeking.

WOMAN 6 picks -- they remove the box; it's the shit.

MAN: Ohhh, oh no, no!  How poignant and achingly sad!  Why did you pick the pile of shit? Do you not know how beautiful you are?
WOMAN 6: It was under a box, I didn't know what it--
MAN: You have so much unconventional beauty and you owe it to society to recognize that.
WOMAN 6: Yeah, I know, I look pretty good.  Why do you have a pile of shit?  Who had to go and collect that?
MAN: I'd rather not say.

* * *

Man with a SKETCH ARTIST.

MAN: Excuse me, miss, would you do me a favor and describe yourself to this man?
WOMAN 7: Why?
MAN: So he can draw you.
WOMAN 7: Why?
MAN: So you can see how you're a failure at feeling good enough about yourself and get a little cry-y and change your ways.
WOMAN 7: How long is this gonna take?
MAN: Not long.
SKETCH ARTIST: About forty, fifty minutes.
MAN: Not that long.
WOMAN 7: And you're, what, a portrait artist?
SKETCH ARTIST: Naw, I mostly draw people who've disappeared violently or who are suspected of crimes.

Woman 7 leaves.

MAN: Crimes like HURTING US ALL BY NOT BEING CONFIDENT ENOUGH, OF YOUR, YOUR BEAUTIFUL, Y'KNOW --
SKETCH ARTIST:  You still want me to draw them like piles of poop?
MAN: There's gotta be a better way to sell f'ing soap.

Aggrievopedia Brown is On Your Case

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In a New York Times profile, the blogger and activist Charles Johnson -- often accused of being an internet troll -- spoke of having strong ties to law enforcement. "Have you ever read the book or heard of the book Encyclopedia Brown?  That's the capacity in which I help them."

 Socks Sodpucker marched into the garage and slapped twenty-five cents on the gasoline can next to Aggrievopedia Brown.  "I want to hire you," he said.  "Someone stole my lucky nickel, and I think it was Bugs Meany!"

Brown thought for a second.  It was the kind of high-stakes case that could get him lots of attention, which he liked.  On the other hand, he was in the middle of writing stuff about the mayor's sexuality — this innuendo wasn't going to tweet itself.  Still, Socks was a good guy."I'll take your case," Brown said.  "Let's go."

"Okay," Socks said.  "I accused Bugs of taking my lucky nickel, but he has an alibi.  He said it couldn't have been him, because he was in the library at the time doing a school project on bears.  He said he was in the 'K' section looking up koalas."

"That's a good lead," Brown said, "but I've got a better idea." The two boys marched up to the clubhouse belonging to a local gang of tough, strident, demanding, not-that-pretty girls who were always causing trouble.  They called themselves the Tigresses, but they might as well have called themselves the Annoyances, because they were annoying.

Sally Kimball, the leader of the gang, was lounging on the porch painting protest signs.  All Sally wanted was a chance to get even with Aggrievopedia Brown someday, because he was always outsmarting her and had way more followers than she did.  "Well, look who's here," Sally said.  "What are you going to accuse me of today?"

"Let's figure that out together, Sally," Brown said, smirking.

"What are we doing here?" Socks whispered.  "We should be looking for Bugs.  He said he couldn't have snatched my nickel because he got arthritis from cracking his knuckles too much. If we hurry we might catch him—"

"So, Sally," Brown said.  "Where were you when my friend Socks lost his lucky nickel?"

"I was lying in the middle of Main Street protesting police brutality," Sally said."Sounds like something you'd do," Brown said.  "But I have reason to believe otherwise. You see, I've paid to have someone take pictures of your dad falling asleep in church."

"That doesn't have anything to do with my alibi," Sally said."No, but they sure are embarrassing pictures," Brown said.  "There's drool and stuff."

Socks tugged at Brown's sleeve.  "Hey, Bugs said he had a doctor's appointment this afternoon to get rid of some warts he got from a toad.  Maybe if we go there now—"

Sally jumped to her feet, anger flashing in her eyes.  "You think you're so smart, Aggrievopedia Brown!  But you won't stop me this time!  I'm organizing a protest against rape culture tonight and we're going to clean up this town!"

"You sure anybody's going to show up," Brown said, "after I published those pictures of you picking your nose?"

Sally glared at him.  "That wasn't even me!  That was some other girl entirely!"

Brown shrugged.  "People think it's you now."

Socks stomped his foot.  "Why are we wasting time here?  Bugs Meany is getting away with his crime!"

Aggrievopedia Brown smiled at Socks.  "The crime is solved," he said.  "I know who took your nickel."

HOW DID AGGRIEVOPEDIA BROWN FIGURE IT OUT?

Solution:

Aggrievopedia Brown knew that Sally took Socks's lucky nickel because Sally is a girl and girls always want to deprive white men of their power and their property.  Sally lives at 6160 West Elm Street, Idaville, FL 32301 and her phone number is (850) 555-1726.  The mayor is totally gay.